Phasing out

It's no secret I've not published much here over the last year or so. Since the move back really. My life has changed so dramatically (starting with the move away), and in ways that I just don't find appropriate to write about here, if at all.

I don't see myself as an academic anymore. I'll probably adjunct here and there if there's work, if time allows. Around non-academics I still seem to be the one who thinks/acts more "academic" like. But around others in higher ed, I just don't "fit." This became particularly evident when I tried to belong to a version of a writing group that never felt excessively academic until this time around. I dropped out pretty quickly because 1) I agree with a lot of what DEH wrote about it and 2) I don't f'ing care anymore about other people's dissertation woes, about talking about all the issues about being contingent faculty, etc. You can talk about that everywhere on the web. Everywhere. Twitter, facebook, a zillion blogs, forums and website are places where these conversations are being held. And you know who gets left out of that? People WITHOUT PhD's. Like me. Who still teach, who are still adjuncts, but are treated even worse. These conversations typically talk about the PhD contingent faculty as if no other type exists. So then the complainers sound just as freaking elitist as the people they are complaining about. It's old and all the chatter is doing a damn thing to change the situations people are complaining about. I just wanted to be somewhere where I could talk about writing, and not feel as though I also needed to keep hearing the conversation that's everywhere else.

This isn't because I'm callous or because I'm not aware that these things are hard, shitty, etc. I've been in higher ed in some form since 2004. I've had temp FT lines, promised of TT (at CC's, as I prefer teaching focus not research), and an adjunct. I've had classes yanked from me for no good reason. I've dealt with abusive (tenured) faculty, harassment in various forms from VP's and students, trying to cram enough research on my CV, etc. I get it, I really do. (I've blogged about nearly all of it.) It's because I just can not stomach it anymore. It makes me angry, stressed, frustrated about how MA's are even more marginalized, (we're your allies people. If you'd accept that.) and so I'm done. The fact that so few people can talk about anything without talking about that has made me exhausted. Leaving these conversations is better for my health and sanity. The fact that they are everywhere is making me change how I use a lot of social media and blogging. See how ranty I got for 2 paragraphs?

There's also just the fact that I just don't have stuff to write that feel like it should be published in this space. I started blogging in 2004. Some of you have been with me since then. My personal life, my marriage, my goals, some values and priorities, my professional life, just don't line up with that person. That's fine.  Some of these changes have been good, some I'm a little undecided about. I think that's more because I wish the change could have come in a less painful way. I have more of a fondness for this little space I've carved out for myself on the web than anything else. I more often visit it to access other people's blogs than to write. And that doesn't bother me. I've been writing elsewhere, on and offline. I've been working on connecting with a broader world and participating in conversations that apply to me and/or interest me.  I'm also just disconnecting more, spending time doing things offline.

Blogging has changed. Who is blogging is changing. People are leaving or changing how/what the write about.

So over the summer I'll be phasing this blog out. Some stuff will move to a new home. Some stuff may "die" here. I don't want to keep this place open just because I'm fond of it, because I still love the same and my "name." It's not a good enough reason. I'll still comment on blogs as rented life. Gradually that may change too. I'm creating a brand for myself to write about pieces/topics I find deeply important, and  sometimes difficult to articulate. This isn't the place for that. This was a share life stuff, dump thoughts, kind of place. Some of you aren't even the audience for that, because everyone has different interests. That's totally fine. I'm still undecided if that stuff will even ben published under my real name.

Sorry for such a long post about it. I'm not even sure I've explained myself well. (Ask  questions! I'll answer while I procrastinate reading essay finals. Essay finals sounded like a great idea until I had them turned in.) Sorry for my rant. I'm not trying to tick anyone off about what I realize are very really problems in higher ed. But at the end of the day, I'm far more concerned about looking for/finding work to pay our bills than I am about a conversation that I haven't seen change/move forward in years.